if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
