I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
