I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
