yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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