if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
