some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
40s are totally the cure
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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