Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
