Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
