Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
