Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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