My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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