I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My cat gives me a boner
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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