If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
