was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
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Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
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But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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