Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
