Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
