They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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