I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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