an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
