I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm lost and stupid without you.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
