Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
