all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
