There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
