my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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