There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
