I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
