So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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