Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
