I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
