I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
