I think i sorta joined a cult last night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
