I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
