the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
