i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
