I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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