that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
