dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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