im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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