1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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