It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
