She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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