is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
