Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
