we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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