fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
