my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
