I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
