For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
