I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
