i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
