Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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