You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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