More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
