I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
