dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Randomize
