she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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