My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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