i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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